i've been writing a post in my head for a few days now- with these photos (this plant is growing on the path to our house- planted by the gardener next door- and i just love it) and a little update- not that they have anything to do with each other.
the update: Lee and Asa are in school and Maxine is at a small home daycare down the street 2 days a week. (Maxine and Asa are thrilled, Lee not so much- but we're giving it a chance) I'm enjoying the break from homeschooling and especially the time alone with my girl- something we've never had. we had a great Canadian Thanksgiving weekend- with a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner for the first time (this book, Eating Animals,
my planned post was about this one area of frustration: not getting enough done in the day. I'm sure there are many of you who can relate. but after a tough morning in my own head, i'm starting to see the problem a bit differently.
i was going to write about how finally now i have some time to myself for the first time in a few years. All summer i planned all the projects i was going to do with all that time- 15 hours a week!- (baby books for Asa and Maxine, cataloguing our digital photos, blogging more, some sewing for myself, a few other small projects, and just gaining a higher level of organization) i haven't done any of that stuff, the house is still messy and i still feel generally overwhelmed. (I have been running a lot which has taken up a lot of my time -more on that later).
Even though i am aware that I do tend to be a bit hard on myself, my level of anxiety about not getting to any of the stuff on my big mental to-do list has been creeping up. this update post was going to be about just that- the frustration i have been feeling about my inability to 'get stuff done'. i feel like i have been 'wasting' my time that i had been so desperate for- everywhere i look i see eveidence of what i'm NOT doing. i found myself in tears this morning after i had to chase down the garbage truck- and thought 'what the heck is wrong here?' i had a bit of a cry and made a cup of tea, and watched this TED talk video (Carl Honore praises slowness) (i had been meaning to watch it for a while now but i hadn't felt i had the time -oh, the irony)
it got me thinking- maybe i just need to chill out. i am definitely always in a rush- trying to squeeze the most i can out of each day- i laughingly say sometimes "I'll sleep when i'm dead" but i am tired- i realize that when i stop sometimes- and i am driving myself a little crazy with my need to get things done.
here's a quote from the talk that gets right to the heart of what i'm realizing:
"But why is it so hard to slow down? I think there are various reasons. One is that-- that speed is fun-- you know, speed is sexy. It's all that adrenaline rush. It's hard to give it up. I think there's a kind of metaphysical dimension-- that speed becomes a way of walling ourselves off from the bigger, deeper questions. We fill our head with distractions. with busy-ness, so that we don't have to ask, am i well? Am i happy? Are my children growing up right? Are politicians making good decisions on my behalf? Another reason- perhaps the most powerful reason- why we find it hard to slow down, is the cultural taboo we've erected against slowing down."
what does this mean for me? i don't know exactly- stop and look at the little purple berries? try not to have such high expectations for myself. don't compare myself to other people. be more present. a blog world friend of mine posted a really nice entry on the theme- 'we only see what we are looking for'- that really spoke to me in the area of relationships in my life- maybe i need that here too. i tend to only look for what i haven't done, and not what i have done.
okay, enough for now! thanks for indulging me in such a wordy post. this process is always helpful.
xo
